look what you made me do
CW: Link discusses a case involving intimate partner violence. The level of detail is disturbing.
"Look what you made me do". This kind of attitude comes up a lot. It's gross and repellent. Grown-arsed men who refuse to take responsibility for their actions and blame everybody else.
It's particularly irritating when people employed to help them reinforce that attitude with "She really knows how to push all your buttons". I've come across that before, and there's a simple answer:
Yes, but the only person responsible for your actions is you.
The article linked above goes in to some harrowing detail, and it also mentions the judge sentencing De Souza recommending he read a book: Look What You Made Me Do. I'm pretty sure I know which book she's referring to, I've seen it in stores, but I'm not having any luck finding it online - turns out this is a more common title than I would've thought.
The article also quotes the judge as saying:
"There's no excuse for violence, but you told her it was her fault."
So why does he still get a sentencing discount?
The article is a little light on details in that respect, but we do get a hint or two:
He was awarded discounts for his guilty pleas and the remorse that the judge accepted was genuine. He was also given credit for his personal circumstances and for his willingness to take part in restorative justice, to arrive at a sentence of three years and five months.
I'm not a fan of discounts for guilty pleas - it opens up room for pressure with the old "Just plead guilty, you'll get a discount, get it over with". But I do note remorse, personal circumstances, and restorative justice, and I think the personal circumstances is key.
This man's behaviour has been disgusting, true. But behaviour is learned. What happened to him that he learned this was the way to treat his partner? What behaviour was modelled by the adults in his life when he was a child? What set him on this path?
If you can figure out the answers to these questions, you can start teaching him better ways to handle his emotions and treat his partner.
Will he learn any of that? Impossible to say. Prisons run programmes, and many prisoners put their time inside to good use. When they get out they have a good base on which to build a new life. Others, well, they might need a wee bit more convincing of the need to change, or even of the possibility of change.
But "Look what you made me do" is an attitude that is very common in our society, and needs to be challenged constantly. You can not control other people's behaviour, but you are always in control of how you respond to their behaviour. You are the only person responsible for the choices you make.